What do I want to be when I grow up?

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When I was a senior in high school, my English class was part American Literature and part “let’s explore who we are in the world.” I’m sure there was an official curricular title to that, but all I remember is choreographing a modern dance routine with a friend (she danced, I advised), and giving a presentation on right brain vs. left brain thinking. I went to a competitive high school and by that point in the year we’d all been accepted to college so it was probably a way to give us a break. Or maybe it was to torture our privileged selves so that we’d have something angst-ish to write about. Heeeeyy---lookie here! I am writing about it now, 21 years later . . . I guess this means they win.

Off and on I’ve looked for the level of truth in that to help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. I was not ready then to explore who I was in the world. Which is the whole point of high school, isn’t it? Back then I could just Be. But that class put the idea into my head that I was supposed to Be Something In the World. It just didn’t tell me how or what or where to look. Or how I would know when I found it.

I blame my resentment on the right brain vs. left brain theories. Every time I take any of those learning or work style tests (traditional right brain/left brain, Myers Briggs, etc.), I always test exactly in the middle. If there’s an axis, I’m as close to the cross point as the standard deviation allows. I think this means I am creative within clearly understood boundaries or I organize with a flourish. It means I can’t leave anything behind. Instead of not committing to anything, I want to do everything. And that gets tiring.

It also means I'm a highly competitive person tempered with enough insecurity to avoid outright competition with anyone but my own brain. I feel the tug of right brain creativity and left brain analysis on a regular basis. When I try to be free-flowing or follow my passion, I get lost (because free-flowing means no clear direction) or mired in the technicalities (because I whatever I do, I have to do it the right way). But when I make the smart, practical, left-brained decisions, I feel like I’m not living up to my potential. Up until now I feel like I’ve just been lucky—my life is good despite my lack of commitment to any one direction. I wonder just how amazing could I be if I just picked something to focus all my attention upon? (And the other side of that is “but what if I pick the wrong thing and I’m still great [of course], but I could have been even better if I picked the other thing.”)

I went to graduate school for 5 years (and I feel the need to add “part-time while working full-time, raising a toddler, and I had another baby in there, too” to make it clear that it took 5 years because I was ALSO doing, not ONLY doing). All along I was telling everyone what I would be when I grew up because that was the point of going to school in the first place. Two years out, I see job postings for that career and pray there’s something about it that makes it clearly the Wrong Job for Me. I just can’t admit I don’t want to be that anymore. I try to see it as another step on the journey. And I try to be ok with that now because years ago a friend helped me be ok with a different focus shift by pointing out if I was miserable on the journey, maybe the destination was wrong.

I mostly enjoy the journey, but I envy people who enjoy the journey, get to their stated destination, and stay there long enough to see what else can happen.