Because I feel like someone could be waiting . . .

It's a bit ridiculous, really, since I've only told 4 people about this blog. But I hate waiting too long between entries on blogs I read, so I'm feeling guilty that I've done nothing since that first day.

And maybe those 4 people have told friends who told their friends and I'm an overnight Internet sensation and don't even know it. Yeah, you're right. Not likely. (Though a tiny little bit of me, the same tiny bit that is always convinced I'll win the lottery when I buy a ticket, thinks maybe it could be true. I guess that's the delusional bit. Oh well, we all need one. And some of us count on it existing in order to make a living.)

I have been thinking a lot about levels of truth. I'm pretty sure it's another way of saying balance. (See, I told you I was smart.) The Universe seeks balance, and this is why change is so hard. It's not that the Universe fights us, it's that sometimes it takes a while for the Universe to figure out how to replace what we've given up. I'm definitely out of balance these days. I'm overtired and continually sabotage my own health and well-being. I choose chocolate over carrots, stay up for Letterman even though I fall asleep while reading to my kids at bedtime, and watch crap TV reruns instead of reading any of the dozens of books and magazines piled by my bed. Ones that I want to read. I keep telling myself I'll give up television completely and read for 1 hour a night and go to sleep an hour earlier than usual. I like that plan. I want that plan.

But the only person stopping me is me. And damn, I'm wicked persuasive.

So my question is--which one of you is eating all the carrots and getting all the sleep so that the Universe is holding out on me? ;-)

This has been an odd week for me and it's only Wednesday. I've had 4 clients leave my practice in 3 days. In one case I worry that I the level of truth I offered was not acceptable. I was in my element: all expert-y and cited data and well thought-out plans of action. Their response? To move out of state. Literally. They're headed north and announced at our last meeting it would be our last forever. Okay, then. There we go. Lesson learned--shut up more and find another way to flex my knowledge muscles. Or maybe not. Maybe it was the right thing at the right time but their Universe didn’t know how to let it in.

I know not to take it personally, and 80% I don't. But 10% I do and feel sad that I wasn't what they needed at this time in their life. The other 10% says f*** 'em, they can't do better and they'll figure that out at some point. A good friend of mine has a close & release ritual she does at the end of every phase of working with a group of people. I always admired it, and now I think I need one. One or 2 or 3 here and there I can let them go on their own. But there's a group now, and I need to not have them be The Proof That I Might Not Be As Good As I Think I Am.

90 minutes until Letterman.

Explanation attempt #1 (because I'm sure there will be others later).

Why "An Acceptable Level of Truth?"

For years I've resisted the blog world for all the typical reasons:

Everyone else was doing it and I don't like to be a sheep.

"Writer" has never been part of my stated identity. (Although I have my Oprah interview all planned out for when she adds my book to her list. No, there is no book and there are no real plans to write one. And yes, I know she's retiring.)

If I'm going to do something, I want to know that I'll be good at it. (And by good I mean mind-blowing awesome). Blogging is new for me, which means I'm untested and I could suck. That's just not ok with me.

What would *I* write about? While I think I'm endlessly fascinating, not blogging allows me to keep that belief. I have a strong network of friends that also think I'm fascinating and wonderful (and the feeling is mutual). I can tell them my stories and know they are heard with love and support. I do not keep a journal. If I'm going to blog, the point is to have it read by others. The Internet World can be mean. I don't like mean.

I read a fair number of blogs. Most of them I adore and so I feel there's nothing for me to add. But they are also inspiring and make me want to join them. And then some of them are not so awesome--poorly written, awkward in style, obvious attempts to model some well-known blogs.  And I fear that my blog will be one of those.

I already do way too many things in any given day. If I started blogging and loved it, it would become a way to procrastinate and my pile of obligations would get even deeper. Or, I'd be one of those inconsistent bloggers and never have any followers because people would be annoyed. I get irrationally angry with bloggers who let too much time pass between entries.  Maybe that's just me and the rest of the world can accept it for what it is. But the Internet is still mean and I don't like the idea of someone out there being irrationally angry with me. I don't know if I'm ready for the commitment.

Ok, so I know none of these reasons are original and I dread writing in cliché. So let me put this out there--I KNOW.  But I needed to get it out of my mental space because despite the reasons, here I am.

So what changed?

Months and months and months ago I was listening to public radio. During the interview, one of the guests off-handedly used the phrase "acceptable level of truth." It stuck with me as an amazing title for something. I also realized that I live in that space--finding, giving, holding to something between 100% honesty and not saying a word. And I don't mean lying--- I mean letting the other person in the equation have or discover enough information to live his or her own life in a way that needs to happen. (Warning--self indulgence coming up.) I am very smart and well-read. I'm not saying I'm the smartest person in the whole wide world, but I am good at what I do and I know what I am talking about. I've worked hard for years to build expertise. But I often know more than is necessary to tell the other person. If I unleash all that I know I come off as arrogant and unapproachable and intimidating, which is disastrous for my work (not to mention for my other relationships).

But I struggled--if I knew something that could be helpful, shouldn't I share it? I love being buried in knowledge and conflicting theories (it's a good excuse to buy another book!).  Apparently, this is not normal. In fact, it is less than normal. So, by holding back, by offering information in small pieces, I was finding the acceptable level of truth.

Finding the "good enough" and the "acceptable level of truth" makes it possible get through my day because it allows me to give less than my version of 100% in every moment. The reasons differ; in my parenting life it's about what kids really need to know vs. "because I said so." In my professional lives (yes, I have more than one and no, it's not because I think I'm two people), I'm either finding a way to get people with higher status to do what I need them to do without them knowing it was my idea or I'm working with people not able to make their own decisions just yet for various reasons. But I'm also helping these people realize it's ok to hold back sometimes, and it's ok to tell everything sometimes. It's finding An Acceptable Level of Truth that works for the person and the situation.

So that's why I'm here. I can't promise I'll be back soon, but I hope that I will.